Originally posted here on Medium.com
This is the first journal entry I made when I found out my husband was having an affair. Originally written on July 15, 2014. Unedited for integrity and realness (line breaks added for ease).
I know I can get through this. I know I will be a better person for it and a better wife to someone else for it. I feel strong. I am proud of myself, that I have also been unhappy, unsatisfied and unfulfilled, yet was able to be the bigger person and have the strength to stay committed, to keep trying.
I always thought I had an issue with committing to things, for seeing them out in the long haul, and I have respect for myself that I was able to stick through what we were going through and have faith in our future. That future will be no more. That life, those memories, they will not be there. And that is okay. Because I can build new dreams and new memories and a new future - maybe even someday, new love.
I have choices now. I can live wherever I want to live or do whatever I want to do, be whoever I want to be. I am not attached to expectations of another person, of an image I’m trying to fit into. I still have myself. I have the most important thing. And I have strength and faith and confidence and conviction that I will get through this and that it will be the best thing that ever happened to me. The BEST thing that ever happened to me.
I have an amazing supportive family and loving friends. I have a great job and a bright future ahead. I am living in an incredible city, living a new adventure with new things to explore and discover. I have my dignity and I know I am a good person. I know I deserve better. I know I can get better. I know I want better.
I want a better person, a better partner, a better life, a better future. I want the world. I want to be myself, to find and know myself. I want to remember and feel what it was like before I met him, nine years ago. I want to travel and see everything, experience everything. Because I know that I can and that it’s possible.
I want to see everything clearly. Clear as the blue sky during the day and the starry sky at night. I want to be with a good person, a person who loves me more than anything in the world, who makes me a priority, who takes care of me, who comforts me, who makes me feel special and loved.
I want to be with someone I’m attracted to. Someone I want to kiss. Someone I want to cuddle with and hold and make love to. I want to be healthy and fit and attractive. I want to take care of myself. I want to make good choices and better decisions. I want to follow my gut, listen to my intuition, and find my own way.
I want to help others. I want to make a difference. I want to feel like I’m contributing and making an impact every single day. I want to do nice things for myself and do nice things for others. I want to be a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister. I want to stop biting my nails. I want to be a strong, beautiful, smart, successful woman, without feeling like that is too much for people to handle.
I want to be nicer and friendlier and more honest with myself. I want to be a good mom to Tucker, to take care of him and nurture him. I want to be more in control of my mind, my thoughts. I want to stop fixating on things and stop over-thinking things. I want to stop being so critical, to be okay with imperfection - to embrace it.
I want to do something incredible and be an amazing human being. I want to be someone. I want to be closer with God and with my spirituality. I want to pray more. I want to write more. I want to share things and write things worth reading. I want to build my own place and home the way I want it to be, the way I want it to feel.
I want to read more. I want to remember more details. I want to be consumed in books the way I once was. I want to be content, to be satisfied, to be enough. I want to know peace and to live and breathe it every day. I want to stretch more and loosen up my muscles and body. I want to make myself open for anything.
I want my wounds to heal. I want those images and words to go away. I want those messages to disappear. I want to free my mind of negativity, of shame, of disappointment. I want to crush my fears and live my dreams. I want to be supportive and loving and affectionate. I want to be the person that others look up to. I want to pave the way, make my own choices, make my own story.
I want to laugh and have fun and let myself go. I want to let things go. I want to move forward and make progress. I want to feel empowered and deserving of happiness. I want to feel every emotion all the way through. I want to see everything intently and appreciate it all. I want to live a grateful life. I want to be a graceful person.
I want opportunity. I want everything. I want love. I want respect. I want happiness. I want life. I want a family someday and a real house. I want to really live the American dream - in an honest-with-myself kindof way. I want to feel amazing feelings and think amazing thoughts. I want to have strength of character. I want to have individuality, uniqueness. I want to be one-of-a-kind and special.
I want to be challenged. I want to be told no sometimes. I want to be stood up to. I want to be with someone who is stronger than me. Someone who can be there through thick and thin. Someone who never waivers, who never hesitates, who never holds himself back.
I want to have a beautiful and fulfilling life. I want to be proud of the person I am and who I become. I want I WILL get through this. This is my mantra, my manifesto, my commitment. This is what I want and this is what I will focus on.
Every time I feel doubts I will read this. Every time I feel sad or disrespected or betrayed I will read this. I will use these principles as strength as energy as willpower. I will be in control and I will run my own life.
I will be happy. I will be me.