My story

 

It all started when...

I found out my husband was having an affair. He had been my best friend for 10 years. And in an instant, it felt like my entire world was falling apart.

There was something curious inside me that felt like maybe this was the best thing that ever happened to me. In the midst of the shock, pain and devastation - I felt a bizarre sense of freedom. Like somebody had given me a gift that I didn’t quite understand yet. 

I had always gone through life checking the boxes of what I thought I was supposed to do. I built the shiny career in tech, worked at Aol, Facebook and Pinterest. I found the charming husband who everyone loved. I owned the beautiful home in Palo Alto with sunset views.

It was the picture perfect looking life. And I was absolutely miserable. I felt disconnected from myself and from everyone around me. I was surrounded by people yet had never felt so alone. And on top of that I had an immense amount of shame. Shame for having all the things I thought I wanted, things that so many other people longed for, and for being so unbelievably unhappy.

I remember praying one night in tears, practically begging in desperation. Telling God that I just wanted to be happy. That I didn’t care what it took or what needed to happen. That I just wanted to find myself again. I wanted to know what it was like to be happy and fulfilled and at peace with my life.

And in those moments when I found out about my husband’s affair, something in me knew it was my out. Someone up there had been listening to me. And that while I would have never asked for it to have happened, I was being given a chance to start over. To create a life that was perfect for me. 

It has taken me years to unravel the fabrication of that life. The identity and persona that weren’t really me. The expectations I had put on myself and others. The judgement I held for not feeling like I fit in.

Self-discovery is a journey and it’s not for the faint of heart. It takes real work and real courage to show up as the person you are. To live authentically amidst the pressures of the world we live in. 

Two years later and I’m still putting the pieces back together of who I am. It’s been painful and maddening and enlightening in a way I never thought possible. 

I am getting back to the things I love the most. I am doing the things I always wanted to do. I am finally getting out of my own way so I can see what life has in store for me.

Yes, it’s terrifying. And yes, I’m facing my own fears every day. But I get up and do it because I know it’s where I’m supposed to be. Because I know it’s what I need to do in order to grow.

I believe in self-development because without it it’s easy to get lost. It’s easy to forget who you are or what you want out of life. To fall into the trap of what everyone else is doing.

It’s okay to be different and it’s actually incredible to be a person who creates change. People don’t share enough of their vulnerabilities or fears. There isn’t a wide-spread community of people that will show up and give you a break when you’re going through hell.

And this is exactly why it’s important to invest in yourself. To get to know who you really are and what’s important to you. To learn how to trust your intuition and make the choices that are right for you, even if they don’t make sense to anybody else.

When you learn to follow your intuition, entirely new opportunities start opening up for you. You exude strength and passion and determination that is simply contagious. Because you are finally living the life you were meant to live. Not trying to force one on.

I’m not going to sugar coat it and say that it’s easy. Growth is incredibly painful and there is a reason they call it a process. But when you live from a place of authenticity, you live from a place of love. And you inspire others to do the same. 

 

A letter from my higher self

A little boy and a big lesson